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The urge to change someone for the better might sound like the heroic thing to do. Cardi B says Stefon Diggs told her he wanted the chance to “heal” her at the start of their relationship. In Elizabeth Gilbert’s new memoir, All the Way to the River, the self-help magnate details her toxic relationship with her drug-addicted, emotionally abusive girlfriend—which she stayed in, of course, because she wanted to “save” her.
But as we see in Gilbert’s case—and countless others—this habit can do more harm than good for both people involved, Adia Gooden, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Chicago, tells SELF.
Now, you’re not terrible for wanting to lend a hand—far from it. In fact, many fall into this pattern for a variety of deeply human reasons, often rooted in empathy, love, and past experiences. “Some people may have also been raised in environments where they were conditioned to be ‘rescuers,’” Natalie Gutiérrez, LMFT, author of The Pain We Carry: Healing From Complex PTSD for People of Color, tells SELF. Think: a person who had to play mediator in a home filled with conflict, or someone who, from a young age, was a caregiver for a sick family member.
The problem with “fixing” other people
For one, the fix-it mentality implies that someone is broken—which is actually not a super empathetic way to think about our fellow human beings, Dr. Gooden points out. Besides that, the bigger issue is that it’s not your responsibility to change others regardless.
Sure, you can support and empathize with people who are hurting. But only they can decide to address their issues, both experts say—whether that involves unpacking old relationship wounds, rebuilding self-esteem, or learning to trust again.
If anything, a savior complex could even make the situation you’re trying to improve worse. According to Gutiérrez, constantly forgiving or making excuses for someone’s inconsiderate (or downright shitty) habits—even if it stems from pain—sends subtle messages like, You don’t need to take responsibility, because I’ll handle it for you, or, I’ll always be here, no matter how you treat me. “Eventually, this can create a codependent dynamic where you’re enabling another person’s bad behavior and falsely believing you can control them,” Dr. Gooden points out.
It’s also worth knowing that being a “fixer” hurts your well-being too. Over time, Dr. Gooden says, you’ll probably end up exhausted and frustrated when you’re giving advice that’s clearly being ignored, or you’ll put in lots of effort yet see little to no change. “All that emotional investment can lead to frustration and even resentment,” she adds. That’s definitely not the kind of healthy, balanced relationship you deserve.
How to let go of the need to “heal” people
It’s easy to think that understanding where someone’s hurtful actions come from means you have to accept them. Sure, my partner snaps all the time, but that’s not their fault, since their last relationship was so volatile. Yeah, my childhood best friend constantly puts me down, but that’s only because they’re insecure—I should reassure them.
Instead of banking on the hope that this person will someday, maybe, eventually become “better” with your support, it’s more worthwhile to shift the focus back to yourself. What do you need to feel respected and valued in this relationship? You can also reflect on why this instinct is overpowering you (and a solid therapist can guide you to that answer). Maybe you’re focusing on someone else’s “problems” to avoid addressing your own. Or you’re chasing the sweet validation that comes with miraculously unlocking a struggling person’s full potential.
From there, you can decide how to draw limits, adjust your expectations, or even step away, if necessary. “You get to choose what kinds of behaviors you will and won’t tolerate,” Dr. Gooden says. “And setting boundaries can be an important way to communicate that.”
If you’re determined to move forward in the relationship, try acknowledging their pain—without giving them a free pass to treat you poorly. This might look like saying, “I understand you’re stressed, but I won’t tolerate being snapped at.” Or letting them know you’re there for them—as long as they’re willing to put in effort too: “Can we talk about steps you’re taking to work through your trust issues? I don’t think it’s fair when you go through my phone and accuse me of things I haven’t done.”
Basically, the goal is to show them you understand they’re hurting—but that doesn’t mean they get to hurt you in return. As long as you express your limits kindly and assertively, these conversations can be the push your loved one needs to heal…or be inspiration for you to reevaluate whether this relationship is worth “saving.” Because sometimes, the best thing you can do to encourage growth and happiness—for everyone involved—is knowing when to step back and let go.